Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
