A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
