All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize