Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
