Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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