had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
