this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
