Umm I'm too high to move.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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