I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
