How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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