i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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