did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
