I was born with a shot glass in my hand
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
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