So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
