she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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