I wish I could teleport
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I need moral support for this bender
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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