Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
We named our party play list daddy issues
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
