I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
