I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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