My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
