Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Shame - the story of my life.
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