Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
