mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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