are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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