I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
