Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
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