i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
