Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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