WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
