a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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