i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I look better un-naked...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
