i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Randomize
