areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
