I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
