watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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