I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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