I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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