please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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