I intend to get homeless drunk
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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