Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
