Whod you bang
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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