Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
