I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
