The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
