there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
