I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
