I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
