um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
