If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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