I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
