first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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