you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
