I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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