Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
