You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize