I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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