I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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