I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
