omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
